The emotional bank account
The emotional bank account
When thinking of relationships and the level of trust within them, management thinker Stephen Covey’s metaphor of the ‘emotional bank account’ is probably one of the most powerful and useful concepts you can use. It basically means that we maintain a personal ‘emotional’ bank account with anyone with whom we have a relationship – whether it’s staff, colleagues, customers or fellow professionals. The account starts with a neutral balance and, just as with any bank account, we can make deposits and withdrawals. However, instead of units of monetary value, we are dealing with units of emotion.
The currencies in Covey’s emotional bank account are centred on trust. When we make emotional deposits into someone’s bank account, their trust and confidence in us
grows. And our relationship develops and grows. So, if we can keep a positive reserve in our relationships by making regular deposits, there will be greater tolerance for our mistakes, and we will enjoy open communication with that person. On the other hand, when we make withdrawals and our balance becomes low or even overdrawn, bitterness, mistrust and discord develop. Then, if we are to salvage the relationship, we will need a conscious effort to make regular deposits.
Covey suggests there are six major ways of making deposits into emotional bank accounts – and avoiding making withdrawals or going overdrawn.
Six ways of making deposits
In Covey’s most famous book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, one of the seven habits is ‘seek first to understand... then to be understood’. Truly understanding what others are feeling is not always easy. We must stop thinking about ourselves and try to see things their way and empathise with them. A common fault when talking to others is to think about what you are going to say next while they are talking. Truly understanding someone requires us to completely concentrate on what the other person is saying, not simply waiting to respond.
When we break our promises to others, we make major withdrawals from their emotional bank accounts. However, keeping commitments is not just related to promises. It includes things such as arriving at work and appointments on time, fulfilling our duties and living up to every word that comes out
of our mouths.
There is nothing more frustrating in a relationship than not understanding what is expected of you. People are not mind readers, and because each of us sees life differently and we all have different backgrounds and life experiences, expecting someone to just know what we want is not only unfair, it is unrealistic. It’s important that the person with whom you are dealing knows exactly what is expected of them.
Small courtesies, kind words and warm smiles are the things that brighten up a relationship. They show a recognition and an awareness of others. For success in relationships, the little things become the big things.
Nothing is more damaging to a relationship than a lack of integrity. Because the emotional bank account is based on trust, you could do all of the other things described above, but without trust, it will be to no avail. Integrity is defined as ‘wholeness, completeness or soundness’ – in this case, soundness of moral character. Integrity is the foundation upon which all successful relationships are built.
We are all human. We all make mistakes. It’s part of life and learning. Knowing when you are wrong and admitting your mistakes in relationships prevents the wounds you’ve caused in others from festering and allows them to heal. When appropriate, a sincere apology will keep your relationship account in the positive, allowing you to maintain the balance that has been created in the previous steps.