Separate people from the problem

Principled negotiation is a good option. It recognises that the 'other side' are people with emotions, feeling and egos and that these, along with the outcome must be acknowledged and managed. It understands that negotiation is better facilitated in a relationship of trust, understanding, respect and friendship; you are likely to achieve more in this type of relationship than in an adversarial relationship.

By separating the relationship from the substance, people can disagree over an issue without the fear of upsetting the other party or forcing them into a position because having to give up that position will cause loss of face.

Through this process other peoples' feelings are acknowledged, but not reacted to. You focus on your motivations and intentions, being open about these, rather than trying to second guess their intentions.

Focus on interests, not positions

Interests are the things that people want to achieve or avoid by taking a position. Understanding the needs, desires, concerns and fears of the other side allows you to frame solutions that meet these needs.

All too often, negotiation focuses on the answer without first clearly identifying the problem. When this preparation is done we can often identify shared interests as well as conflicting interests.

Consider an example of two men reading newspapers a library and who are arguing about an open window. One man keeps opening the window and the other keeps closing it. Now they are ready to do battle.

When the librarian investigates the disturbance and intervenes she finds out, by speaking to each, that the first man wants some fresh air, while the second does not want to sit in a draft. The librarian neatly solves the issue by opening the window in the next room giving fresh air and no draft.

The argument was about the different positions the two men have taken and specifically the position of the window; open or closed. Both men have not made the effort to understand the interests of the other and understand the problem.

This is a process about looking from the present to the future: what are the issues we want to resolve now and how can they be resolved? When people look into the past they start to slip into position bargaining, thinking about how they believe they have lost out in the past and start to focus on Win Lose as a result.